Overwhelmed
I’m overwhelmed.
I could give you a list of all the things I’m overwhelmed by, but why stress you out? You’re probably already overwhelmed, too.
One of the many pieces of overwhelm: social media isn’t good for me. I think the last time social media was good for me was the Livejournal days, when I wrote things that were real and made lasting friendships. (Hi, Laura. Hi out there, Kerry, wherever you are these days. Hi Miles. Hi Aleja. Hi anyone I’ve left out because it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten LJ is the original source of our friendship.)
These days, though, not so much. I’ve gotten better at actually noticing when the scroll begins to set off physical symptoms of anxiety in me, and sometimes it makes me stop. Sometimes. I’m not sure why I don’t always. Is there still a dopamine hit from seeing the next post? I don’t know. I’ve seen the science explained in video after video, but I couldn’t tell you. I just know that it’s a spider’s web trying to hold me. I come away from it eventually, but always tired and stressed and anxious.
So I try to drive a wedge between it and me. I’ve taken it off my phone. (Well. Most of it. YouTube always makes it back on, but the anti-social-media YouTubers say it doesn’t count…) I don’t log onto it as often on my computer anyway.
But then I need to ask a question in a group. Or look for an item on the local secondhand market. Family photos and posts are in front of me again. I’m scrolling.
Stress creeps in.
Lately I find myself thinking a lot about the earlier days of the internet, when I was growing up. The landscape was different, and while I spent some time communicating online daily, it wasn’t anything like what it is for most people now. If I sound nostalgic, it’s because I probably am. The internet is pervasive now; it feels difficult to escape. Wonderful in many ways, but also constant.
There’s a flip side to that nostalgic coin. I’m chronically ill, and I spend a lot of time in bed, resting, usually entertaining myself with my iPad. I like to read, but I only have so much brain energy and end up watching a lot of YouTube. A lot of other activities I enjoy, like sewing or drawing, are difficult or tiring while laying down. So… YouTube or other online things. I live thousands of miles away from my best friends and my sisters now, so we communicate mostly by texts. Phone and Zoom calls too, but texts are a lot easier with my fatigue.
I wasn’t chronically ill in the 90s. What would my daily life now look like without the constantly available internet and the other present-day technology I use? I’d still read. That’s easy enough, books and audiobooks would still be a thing. I might talk to my friends and and family on the phone more often… but maybe not, I don’t know how it would be in reality. I get tired so easily. Would I find a way to occupy myself? Do I just default to the iPad because it’s easy and available? Or is it what’s the right level and happens to be available in this time and place?
I don’t know.
But I know I’m overwhelmed.
And the scroll is part of it. (But not all of it. Not at all.)